This Crazy Life of Mine

I try to keep myself super busy so I don’t have time for morbid thoughts, but sometimes all I want to do is stay in bed and listen to sad songs. I try to clean my messy apartment, but moving a couple of books or shirts can be a struggle that takes up all my energy. So I give up. I think nothing of that. It comes so easily, the idea of giving up. There are some things that are harder to give up, though. When I felt I was losing it, I made an appointment to see a therapist at the Counseling Center. He asked me if I were suicidal. Well, I guess it’s standard practice. I’m not, I said… it involves too much pain for all parties concerned. I just have good days and bad days. More bad ones now. A lot more than good ones. Today was one such, so dear readers, this might not be the best kind of blog to read. I will pour it all out. I live alone, so it’s my release after a long day.

I went to campus early, not because I had to, but because staying at home alone is not that exciting. I wanted to say hi to Jan, Irene, and Nancy. Ah, God bless the pure of heart. They are always there for me. I had two classes today. I had no motivation to do anything, but I did sit through them. I’m glad I had gone to the health center to see a doctor, so I was able to get more muscle relaxants. The moment I felt the pain coming, I popped a pill into my mouth. My class ended at 8.30. During the whole class, though, I was thinking about what in the world I was going to do. My future, I mean. I wish I knew. If I manage to finish this Ph.D., then what? I have no idea. I’m nervous about the next step; I always have been.

I really hate thinking. I probably think in my dreams, because they are full of falling, bleeding, and screaming. Ah, this is my miserable self. I will give all my burdens to God, but when I wake up tomorrow, I will have to carry this cross I bear quite a long way. I will sleep in this messy place I call home, and when I wake up anew tomorrow, it might be better. I will clean, then. It might snow tomorrow, and snow covers the rugged edges. Most people still smile with me, and I smile back. Always. I think it’s important to return a smile; a smile means many things to me: joy, hope, faith, love. But I try to understand those who will rather look away than smile with me. I’m a liability.

Ah, I’m made of thoughts. Sometimes my words refuse to come out, just like my steps. And I keep going. Thinking. Moving. At the pace of a snail at times. I’m fire and air, and only I know this reality, and I give my other elements to baser life. I borrowed some of those words from Shakespeare. From one of my two favorite plays by the Bard: Anthony & Cleopatra.

A weary bed awaits me. I will fall asleep to the serenity prayer. Ah, God bless the pure of heart.