It was one of those days, I guess, but it’s here to stay. I’m swiftly becoming a vegetable. For the first time since I was diagnosed with MS almost ten years ago, I felt sorry for myself. I’m really plummeting fast. I still believe in the most asinine way possible, that I can still be ok, but I realized what an unrealistic sentiment that is. Today was bad. I cannot even figure out whether it’s because I was struggling physically or whether it’s because I’m overcome with depression. Maybe a combination of both. Yeah, I struggled to keep myself erect. I struggled to speak. I struggled to eat. I have no idea why I’m still here.
I feel I’m so out of it. I still want to write. I still want to be famous. I never wanted to be rich (I still don’t), thank God. But good heavens, I feel that everything is coming to a pathetic end. I have so little to offer. I can barely manage a conversation. Maybe all this will change tomorrow. Maybe I will wake up a new man tomorrow. Maybe someone will find a miraculous cure. Yeah, I guess I’m a dreamer.
Here in my lonely studio, I listen to music. I lay myself down, and I never want to get up. Getting up means opening a can of worms, worms of existence. I don’t know how I did this for ten years. Ten years is more than enough, I think. Woe is me. I never imagined saying that, but it’s the truth.
I decided to submit to journals. To counter what’s happening to me, I’m trying so hard to focus on other things. I invent dreams. They keep me going, even when they are unrealistic and far-fetched. I don’t bake now. I rarely cook. I’m scared of falling with batter and all. MS makes me appreciate little things in life, though. In fact, only little things. Small victories as Molly said once.
This is so unbecoming of me. I’m really not a negative person at all. I try to see the bright side, but right now, there isn’t such a side. So my dear friends, pray for me. Pray that I will never get tired of fighting. Pray that I will never lose faith. I’m an open book… I will tell you all. When I’m alone in my apartment, sometimes I just cry… crying is cleansing. I have little to be ashamed of, so yes, I’m crying right now. When I’m done, I might feel a little better. Maybe. It’s a big if like everything else in my life L
God must know that you are an incredibly strong, beautiful person to be able to carry such a burden and still be so gracious and inspirational to your friends who love you.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, when I am trapped in my bed and I hear life going on all around me, I wonder if it was my choice. I wonder if I took all of this upon myself to be able to experience this facet of humanity. Fragile health so young and so much promise inside waiting to burst forth. I must have been a pompous ass in my former life to believe I could be strong enough for "vegetablism" in this lifetime!! (meant to make you laugh out loud!)
Warts and all, you are a gift to this world, Lasantha. Every day that you are in this world, the world is that much more magical and beautiful. Thank you for living with MS, my friend.
Hey honey,
ReplyDeleteHope you get a break from it. Come to the sun and sea if you can!
fahima