I have almost fully moved into my new apartment, and it’s lovely. It’s located in a great place, and my roommates are wonderful! Getting things arranged is a bit of a struggle, but I will get there… bit by bit, I will arrange my books and clothes; they take up two thirds of my room. Alas, I also need to find a place to store my FIVE suitcases. With them, I really just have a bed and a desk, not a room! But I will get there…
It was a productive day, indeed. With the help of a friend, I was able to clean my old apartment to a great degree. It’s much cleaner. All I have to do is move a few things and clean the refrigerator. I cleaned the bathroom today, and my friend vacuumed the place, so it’s simply a matter of moving a few kitchen items, my clothes, a suit case, and cleaning the refrigerator. It shouldn’t be too bad. Hopefully, I’d be able to get it done tomorrow and return my keys.
After a very healthy lunch in a much cooler place (I was really suffocating! The heat kills me!!), we headed to Bromen Hospital to collect a CD of the two MRI’s I had done there to be compared with the MRI that was done last week. At Bromen, the very friendly man near the entrance asked me with a smile if I needed a wheelchair. I suppose I did, so I succumbed. I was pushed in a wheelchair all the way to radiology. I felt a little scared that this was becoming a habit. Ah, but it helped, and as Joy said, maybe using a wheelchair will be liberating. It’s time to surrender… I guess I have too much pride. And I’m scared… I really am. All this is planned, I think. Not in a bad way, of course. It’s comforting to know that someone has all the answers. Amen.
It couldn’t be an accident that I started reading MAUS by Art Spiegelman. Going through the most macabre details of the Holocaust, I can view my body and its imperfections with new eyes and be grateful for the little I have: I’m not starving, and I still can do a few things I enjoy. I just took a cold shower, and I’m grateful for every drop of water. What was harder today, was compromising heavily inculcated cultural baggage. My legs are so thin, and my jeans were falling down revealing a lot more than I’m used to. When greater things are at stake, how can I worry about such petty things? They might not look all that petty to the outside world, but to me, when I compare my challenges, this is nothing. I die a thousand deaths because of the heat, and some can’t even begin to understand. They probably think I’m being lazy or dramatic. It’s so amazingly revealing, I think, to be able to see the world through someone else’s eyes. I just sympathize with those who are unable to. They probably don’t mean badly, anyway. Miracles happen when one is able to remove oneself from the equation of life.
The hardest thing for me today, was to realize that MS was affecting my memory and cognition quite badly. When Gary took me to OSF, I said it was not the right building. It was a different color, I said. I was extremely confident, too. So we drove away, and after much calling and verification, we went back to the same place. It was the right place and it was always that color (I have been there at least twenty five times). I felt extremely inadequate and unintelligent. Coming back, I came out of the main entrance and thought it was not where I came into the building from, so I walked back in. Luckily, I saw the car pull up. Ah, what else is in store for me? I will live for the moment, though, and be thankful for the fan that keeps me cool, my sunglasses, my delicious cologne, my tricycle, and my genuine friends.
No one said my life was going to be a walk in the park.
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