Little Joys

It was just past four when I woke up to go to the bathroom. I felt dizzy as I was heading back to bed. Sure enough, very soon that day of my panic attack came to my mind. There was a shooting pain coming from my neck, and my mouth went dry. Oh, dear god! Not again, I thought. I knew the signs were definitely heading that way, so I quickly grabbed my phone and went through the contact list. I stopped at Katherine’s number and wondered if I should call. Then I remembered that the previous time, it all came back to normal in a few minutes, so I bore the pain, the dizziness, the anxiety, and the potential end of everything. When I woke up it was eight something. I lived through this a second time. I’m not sure if it was a wonderful thing, but I was alive. It was scary, though, when it happened. Because I live alone, it’s scarier. I was shaken by this. I still am, in fact. .

The day went on as usual. My orientation started today. I went early to the department, so I could chat with Jan and Irene for a while. When I checked my mailbox, I had a card and a copy of the latest Writer’s Chronicle. The card was from Jan. It was beautiful, and I was excited to receive the Writer’s Chronicle. I  only stayed at STV for a little bit, still fairly disturbed by the latest whirlwind in my backyard. I emailed my doctor and am waiting to hear back from him. Campus starts next week, and I have a lot on my plate. It scares me.

I live for little joys of life. A smile, a hello, a hug. I hope I can sleep tonight. I hope my neck would behave. I hope people would smile at me tomorrow, if I’m still here. Smile with me. It means a lot, sometimes. More than what one might imagine. A lot more. And sometimes, it’s all I have.