I submitted my first story to an outside journal

 I am very excited as I write this. I should have done this much earlier, but I have issues. So today, for the first time in my life, I submitted a story to a journal outside ISU. I think it came out well. I received very generous feedback from my friends, and I’m so lucky to have friends from around the world who bring wonderfully different ideas and perspectives to my stories. I can’t even begin to thank you enough… Gloria, Michelle, Jeanette, Nancy, Molly, Krista, Tess, Sally… thank you from the very depth of my heart. Tomorrow, if all goes well, I will begin another story. I might submit what I wrote today to other journals that accept multiple submissions, too. How exciting! J

I took the Blue line to Milner and worked on my story before submitting it to the journal. I had coffee at the Bone Center, and enjoyed being by myself. There was a lot of planning going on in my head today. This week is fairly relaxed, and I want to get as much as possible done. Tomorrow I will go to the YMCA and get my swimming membership for the semester. I’m excited to see Sandy who works at the front desk. She’s such a sweet lady, and once asked me if she could get me something from the vending machine! I guess I am spoilt! Oh, that reminds me! I should get HER something tomorrow as I got paid today! Blessed are the pure of heart. I really believe that. That was, in fact, the message at church yesterday: The Beatitudes! Jan and I decided to call these “Tudes”!!

The weather was not the greatest today, but there will always be such days. Tonight, I will get some reading done and meditate for fifteen minutes. I already spent fifteen minutes on the cycling machine. I will have some green tea with honey and lemon after I finish this blog. I didn’t have a lot of balance today, but it was a great day. It’s a blessing to see smiling people… people who encourage, motivate, add joy, and hope. I’m blessed to run into such people at every corner; they made this day a joy. Tonight after I meditate, drink green tea, read, and figure out what journals I want to send my stories to, I will take a hot shower and try to let go of anything negative in me. I will let go of my fears, worries, and anxiety. This is a good place to be. I think I’m doing really well with my New Year resolutions, too. I drink green tea, I write, I exercise, I’m kinder to the world, and I’m almost beginning to like myself! J

Ah, my wonderful friends, would you do me a favor? If you read this, can you say something positive and beautiful in response? (not about me, but about the world, or your day… there’s enough sadness and tragedy around, but I think we need to see and hear the good, too) May you be blessed as I am in knowing you…

Thank you for blessing me with your goodness

I wasn’t sure when I woke up today where this day was going. Well, I never do, really. I was somewhat excited about seeing a neurologist. John came to pick me up at 9.45. I was outside surrounded by glittering snow. I wasn’t wearing a hat, and I was not wearing gloves, either. Simply forgotten, I suppose; it wasn’t that cold, but the wind and dampness made it slightly brutal. So we headed to OSF. I didn’t have minutes left on my phone, but John said he’d wait for forty five minutes, in case I got done before that. If it was taking longer, he said I could call, Linda, his wife, from the hospital.

Dr. Catt was young and extremely pleasant. As she examined me, she was writing notes – tons. After an hour and twenty minutes a plethora of recommendations were made: physical therapy, ankle braces, medication to help with lack of energy and depression (am I depressed!?), speech therapy, urologist, swallowing exam, sleep apnea test, etc., etc. Then I called Linda. There was a lot on my mind. Is my life worth all this trouble? I have no idea. I was glad, though, that Dr. Catt didn’t dismiss anything. It was apparent that she really wanted to help in whatever way possible. I’m indebted to Jan for recommending this doctor.

The day went by as usual. I had a heavier mind, though. I chatted with Nancy, Jan, and Irene. I went to Subway for lunch. Then I had my Creative Writing Pedagogy class, and after that, I had my Pedagogy seminar. I sat there like a rock, scared to open my mouth. I have very high anxiety. My instructor is probably one of the most wonderful people ever. I could not ask for a more supportive and compassionate human being as my professor. Ah, God bless the pure of heart! I told her very briefly what was happening in my life, and her encouragement gave me an added boost. I mustered all my courage and actually said something in class. My classmates are so very understanding, too. I’m not very articulate now, even though I have captained debates in high school. And I used to perform a lot. I wanted to be a Broadway star. Funny how it all turns out to be at the end.

I text messaged Jessica, but there was no response. I thought she could still be in class. Hilary and Sheilan waited till Jessica came out to make sure I had a ride home. Ah, blessed blessed are the pure of heart, who can think about others… My life is full of amazing people. I’m blessed in many ways. It’s hard sometimes, but I know I should never forget this. I try. I try. Maybe I should go to bed now, but I want this beautiful feeling generated by good people in my life, to last a few minutes more. Blessed be the pure of heart.

Other Side of the Pendulum

It was a good day. God has placed amazing people in my life, and they helped to make this day a good one, so I could experience the other side of the pendulum. I had a good morning, and when I heard my name at the Bone Center, I was surprised; it was my friend, Kathleen. So I had lunch with Hilary and Kathleen, two women I have a lot of respect for; for their goodness, their selflessness, their wisdom…  After lunch I took a bus home. I had no mail, except a bill. But all was well after a brief nap. Then I had my regular bible study with John. We studied the book of Corinthians 1. It was a good time. I’m very grateful for the goodness that surrounds me.

When I was back in my apartment, I text messaged my good friend, Kristina. We were to meet for coffee. I feel limited in many ways, even though I try to disregard them, they end up slapping me in the face. My apartment was a royal mess, so I asked Kristina if she would mind helping me clean it. She took no time to respond, saying she would definitely help me. I probably don’t even deserve such goodness, but I rely on the goodness of my friends. Kristina came to my apartment with a bag of cleaning supplies. She cleaned, scrubbed, vacuumed. We had supper from an Indian place. It helps to be with friends when the world seems to swing by at a terrific pace. My friends slow down the world for me. And they have time for me. Their goodness moves me to tears, so when I was on my cycling machine for half an hour, I was crying the whole time, not because I was sad, but because so many people help me, they move me, they rock my world.

I chatted with Jan on Facebook. She’s going to teach me how to type properly; right now I can’t type without looking at the keyboard. Ah, God bless the pure of heart. God bless Jan, and Kathleen, and Hilary, and Kristina, and John… and so many others in my life. When the going gets tough, I will gather forces; battalions of the pure of heart. I can’t even begin to name; I have too many of them in my life.

Yes, the future scares me a lot, but I’m determined to make something out of myself. I will write. I will move. I will pray. I will smile. As long as you are there with me, I will keep going.

This Crazy Life of Mine

I try to keep myself super busy so I don’t have time for morbid thoughts, but sometimes all I want to do is stay in bed and listen to sad songs. I try to clean my messy apartment, but moving a couple of books or shirts can be a struggle that takes up all my energy. So I give up. I think nothing of that. It comes so easily, the idea of giving up. There are some things that are harder to give up, though. When I felt I was losing it, I made an appointment to see a therapist at the Counseling Center. He asked me if I were suicidal. Well, I guess it’s standard practice. I’m not, I said… it involves too much pain for all parties concerned. I just have good days and bad days. More bad ones now. A lot more than good ones. Today was one such, so dear readers, this might not be the best kind of blog to read. I will pour it all out. I live alone, so it’s my release after a long day.

I went to campus early, not because I had to, but because staying at home alone is not that exciting. I wanted to say hi to Jan, Irene, and Nancy. Ah, God bless the pure of heart. They are always there for me. I had two classes today. I had no motivation to do anything, but I did sit through them. I’m glad I had gone to the health center to see a doctor, so I was able to get more muscle relaxants. The moment I felt the pain coming, I popped a pill into my mouth. My class ended at 8.30. During the whole class, though, I was thinking about what in the world I was going to do. My future, I mean. I wish I knew. If I manage to finish this Ph.D., then what? I have no idea. I’m nervous about the next step; I always have been.

I really hate thinking. I probably think in my dreams, because they are full of falling, bleeding, and screaming. Ah, this is my miserable self. I will give all my burdens to God, but when I wake up tomorrow, I will have to carry this cross I bear quite a long way. I will sleep in this messy place I call home, and when I wake up anew tomorrow, it might be better. I will clean, then. It might snow tomorrow, and snow covers the rugged edges. Most people still smile with me, and I smile back. Always. I think it’s important to return a smile; a smile means many things to me: joy, hope, faith, love. But I try to understand those who will rather look away than smile with me. I’m a liability.

Ah, I’m made of thoughts. Sometimes my words refuse to come out, just like my steps. And I keep going. Thinking. Moving. At the pace of a snail at times. I’m fire and air, and only I know this reality, and I give my other elements to baser life. I borrowed some of those words from Shakespeare. From one of my two favorite plays by the Bard: Anthony & Cleopatra.

A weary bed awaits me. I will fall asleep to the serenity prayer. Ah, God bless the pure of heart.

An amazingly productive day!

The morning was slow and boring. I did enjoy being able to sleep in, I must confess. It was difficult to get up, and it seemed like I was going to stay in bed all day! Ah, not so, not so. I knew I had miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep, to use Robert Frost’s words. I did get up several times to go to the bathroom and such, but was lethargic to do anything else. So I stayed in bed like a lame mummy. You know the kind of mummy I’m referring to, do you not? Yes, the Egyptian kind! J

Yesterday, Jessica and I had made plans to meet for lunch, so I messaged her asking if one o’clock was okay to meet and she messaged me back saying it was fine and whether I would like to go to The Coffeehouse afterwards to do some studying. This was EXACTLY what I had in mind, but didn’t ask her, of course. So we went to El Porton for lunch and stuffed ourselves to capacity. Then we headed to the Coffeehouse for studying. And by GOLLY, we did. We both got so much done, it was almost unbelievable. Ah, such winners we are, such winners. Oh, the food at El Porton was delicious, of course. I ate two of those vegetarian gorditas of whatever they are called. I absolutely love the avocado in them. Good food is a wonderful distraction from the everydayness of life, especially that of a grad student.

I’m so thrilled for both of us. In fact, we decided to make this a weekly deal. We both got a lot of reading/planning/writing done. I managed to get 1400 words written and my article for tomorrow’s class read. I also wrote my response paper for tomorrow. To top it all, I registered for Glimmer Train magazine I decided to send in a submission to. Taking Kass’ advice, I’m definitely going to send in my writing to journals outside ISU. I’m thrilled about that, and I have marked some journals in the Writer’s Chronicle that I want to submit to. This is like a whole new chapter of my life. I’m so very excited. The semester is starting really well for me. I love all my classes, and hope I can continue like this the whole semester. That would be just A-ma-zing!

Back home, I did more work: I read a number of chapters of Jack Kerouac’s Visions of Cody, a really really dense book and finished my daily 2000 words. I also used my cycling machine for twenty minutes while meditating on the serenity prayer. After that I drank green tea with lemon and honey. What a great day it has been. My body is a little weary now, so I must call it a day. It has been a wonder. Here’s my prayer for you "may you find the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can, and wisdom to know the difference" J

Sun on snow is beautiful

Today was a day full of good people, my favorite kind of day. The sun was out despite the cold, and the snow glittered wondrously. John and Linda picked me up at 8.45 to go to Grace church where I shared with several groups what it was like to be an international student. After I shared with the congregation of the first service, we went to the basement where I spoke at length to another group of wonderful people. I have always believed that churches attracted the best kind of people, people with expanded hearts and minds, people who loved to follow Christ’s example. This knowledge was confirmed as I spoke with a number of people who were simply beautiful. After the first service, I was so pleasantly surprised to see Jan and Tim there! What a wonderful surprise it was. I had forgotten that Jan did mention some time ago that she went to Grace church. Well… I’m absentminded J

Grace church had a number of people that I knew and loved dearly. Jan and Tim, of course; Pixie and Mary Lou from the Normal Public Library; Hilary who took a linguistics class with me at ISU, etc. I’m sure there were more. It was truly uplifting when so many people came up to me to thank me for sharing with them what it was like being so far away from home. I did mention two specific instances that I will never forget: the first one was when I came to Iowa for the first time, so many years ago, and had to be in a lonely dorm room for about a week, with only 23 dollars in my wallet. I was on a full scholarship that covered everything including meals, but the campus was not open when I arrived. To make matters worse, my baggage was lost, and I didn’t get it back until after about ten days. Fortunately Mom had sent me some snacks, which were in my hand luggage, so for about a week, I really didn’t eat a whole lot!

The next instance was the fairly recent visit to the ER. I really thought I was dying. I felt so dizzy and the world seemed to be coming to an end; at least my world did. My lips went dry, and I could barely stand up. Then I called John, but it was two in the morning, and he didn’t pick up the phone. I left a shaky message, and started praying. Sure enough, John called back in seconds, and he took me to the ER. It was a very scary time.

Having talked more than my given share for the day, I was a little tired when I came back. It was a good kind of tired, though. I felt accomplished J It took me a long time to get the 2000 words written today, but I did. I’m very excited about that. Before going to bed, I will do some reading as well. It was a productive day, and I’m very glad that tomorrow is a holiday. Ah, I’m yawning! Alas, I still have stuff to do. Green tea, green tea…. COME to me.

Removing the "I" from the Equation

Today was a good day, I think. Even though, I hardly got anything done in the morning, the second part of the day was pretty good. I was feeling so alone cooped up in my apartment, so I called up my friend, Jessica, and asked if she wanted to meet for coffee. She was lounging around too, so we met up and went to the Coffee House and enjoyed a great chat over coffee. Friends are gifts from God. It’s wonderful to be among friends in the presence of whom you can be totally yourself. This is exactly what Jessica is to me: a genuine friend. So we talked, laughed, and drank lots of coffee, needing to use the bathroom often. Of course, we laughed about that too. After that Jessica gave me a ride to Great Clips as my hair had grown to an unprecedented length. The stylist remembered me, and she did a good job, too! Jessica thinks so J I do too, in fact.

After coming back to my apartment I got a ton of work done. I planned out what my students have to do for the week and emailed them, I emailed my Online Teaching Report to Joyce, AND I wrote my 2000 words. I also spent twelve minutes on the cycling machine. I still have to meditate, though, but I can do that after I finish writing this. Over a hundred people read my blog every day, so I will not stop writing this.  

I think I will have some green tea with honey and lemon tonight. It calms me a lot. I will have the tea ready, so I can drink right after I meditate. Balance was bad today, but what of that!! It’s nothing I didn’t know. I mean, I knew my health was degenerative. If I can keep writing, I will be ok.

Something Jessica told me really motivated me. She told me how this older lady was coming into Stevenson in a wheelchair and how a young guy went up to her and asked her something, and soon after, he was pushing her wheelchair. What a beautiful story. This is how I want to be. Of course, the chances are that I will be the one in the wheelchair. But you know what I mean. The world will be so much better if we can remove the “I” from the equation, sometimes.

Stephen K. in the making!!! Oh wait! I hate the horror genre, though.

I wrote so much today! Well, the idea was to get to two thousand words. On the very first day I started this, it took me only two hours or so, and I wrote 2700 words. Today was not that easy. I wrote in pockets and even by 5.00 p.m., I didn’t have 2000 words. BUT, I just achieved the target, so I’m good to go! J One of the reasons that it took me much longer today is because I was doing a number of other things as well, today. As I had no classes to attend today, I just stayed around, being lazy and lethargic. I’m awake now!

I started the day late, eating the usual grapefruit. I also had an apple. I need to shed some pounds. After that. I went for my massage. It really was awesome. My massage therapist is such a great guy. After the massage, as he didn’t have any more clients until later, he gave me a tour of Bloomington and showed me some places I really needed to know about: a chiropractor, eating places, hair cutting places, etc. So now I have a much better picture of what Bloomington has to offer. Awesome deal!

I ate way too much pretzels and peanuts today, so I skipped dinner. I did spend 11 minutes on my cycling machine, and I feel good about that. Tomorrow I intend to go to the library and get some work done. I have a lot to get done for next week, but all is well. I just want to get a head start on the week.

Tonight I will do some reading and go through the Writer’s Chronicle to get some more information about upcoming submissions to journals. I’m doing well… I am, I am... I just need to keep going, just like this. I met my friend, John, for a bible study. His Dad’s health is not that great, and he had too much on his mind, so we had coffee and prayed. Dear readers, please pray for his Dad, I entreat you. Prayer can do a lot. I firmly believe that.

I cleaned a tiny bit. One step at a time. One day at a time. It’s a lot easier that way. I’m sure I will have good dreams tonight. Oh, I forgot to mention that I meditated for fifteen minutes today. So all in all, I had a good day, and I am glad to be alive. J

Chocolate milk aided ruminations

It was a long day, and I firmly believe I have earned the privilege of eating peanuts and drinking chocolate milk. It’s late, well almost, and my body is in bad shape. It really needs rest, it says. But I’m the silent rebel. I’m the martyr. So here I am, thanking my fingers for the ability to type these words, and thanking you, gentle reader, for being interested in my world. Do I think it was a good day? Well, yes, I would say so, even though, at another level, it was pretty miserable because I could assess my losses in more detail. But knowledge is power, they say.

I like snow. I don’t mind the cold. It is hot and humid weather that affects me badly. MS is a strange beast. I didn’t feel like getting up, but I did just that when the alarm went off at six thirty. I took a quick shower and used kiwi/lime shampoo and kiwi/lime conditioner. My hair, which has grown to an unprecedented length, and I were both thrilled about the delicious fragrance. Ah, how I love conditioner! I ate an enormous grapefruit for breakfast. As I was stabbing the wedges with the knife, I was pleasantly reminded of a poem I once wrote from the perspective of a grapefruit. This was about twelve years ago. Ah, how time flies.

It took me a fairly long time to get dressed. I found it a little hard to insert my limbs in the right places. But I persisted. The bus leaves at 7.26 and I was able to get ready by 7.10. “Good job, buster,” I told myself and reclined on my still sleepy bed. At 7.20 I walked over to the bus stop, crossing the road. The sidewalk was covered by crunchy snow. I liked hearing the triumphant sound of my shoes. Crunch crunch. The driver was different today. He said, “hey buddy! Let me lower the steps for ya.” He was friendly, and he smiled. Thank God for smiling people.

Thursday is my long day. I had lunch at Subway. Oh, I also wrote the 2000 words today. I’m slightly concerned about the quality of the words, but something is better than nothing, right? I had my Creative Writing Pedagogy class, and I was glad to be able to talk at least a little bit. I only had to introduce myself. Speaking is becoming harder…

My pedagogy seminar was great, but alas, I’m tongue-tied. If I have to utter even a monosyllable, I feel like I’m about to climb Everest. I once used to perform… L But I will count my blessings. My world is full of people who understand my limitations. Once in a while someone might drop me because I’m too much to deal with, but generally, I’m blessed with people who don’t wait for me to even ask for help. They offer without my asking. I’m moved to tears. They come easily these days, probably a part of my laughing/weeping syndrome.

Then I realized I had to wait in the cold until 8.55 for a bus, the class having been over at 8.20. As I was heading downstairs, Jessica got into the elevator and offered me a ride! Amazing how things happen. How can I not believe in a divine design? Thank you, Jessica, for your goodness and loving generosity of spirit.

I don’t have any classes tomorrow. I go for a massage, which always helps me a lot, and after that, I will be meeting John for a Bible study. The world is good and kind to me. I just feel a little down sometimes. Tomorrow will be a good day. I believe in that. It will. It will.

Harrowing Memories

I had such a good breakfast today! I ate grapefruit and some oatmeal with peanuts and raisins. Then OJ, of course. I actually can drink orange juice now. Not very long ago, it used to burn my stomach like crazy. Maybe it's just the brand. After being totally satiated, I went back to bed! Ha ha! Well, I didn't have to be on campus until two, but I had the two thousand words to write. And YAY, I slept well, AND I did write the two thousand words today as well. So it was a good day! It took me longer to write the two thousand words, today, but I did get it written. Good for me, right??? ;)

I met my good friends, Krista and Quint, and had a good discussion about life writing per Lazar's book. Looks like this is going to be a great class as always. I was well disciplined today, so I’m patting myself on the back. I did not eat any sweets today at all. It’s not like I have a sweet tooth, but it can be a challenge sometimes. I had a healthy lunch from Subway, and I think I will skip dinner. I need to shed some pounds. Not a whole lot, but I still need to. After class and lunch from Subway, I walked over to Milner and started writing my daily two thousand. I wrote 1400 and felt a little tired, so I walked to Watterson to catch the bus.

Back home, I started writing the missing six hundred immediately. That was a little hard as I was writing about a harrowing memory. It was a truly difficult time of my life, but I’m here now. Here and now is what I should focus on. There are greater powers to take care of me when I’m gone from here J

I responded to students’ emails and wrote my reading response to Lazar. I really enjoyed this book. One of the essays in this collection talks about the issue of affecting many people when we write about our lives. Miller address the idea of life writing never taking place as a solo event! I fully agree with that. To add to that we maybe harming, hurting, embarrassing many people without even knowing. Is there a way to avoid this? The stakes are high. I like life writing a lot! I really do.

It’s only 9.05 but maybe I will call it a day and go to bed. It’s way early, though, but tomorrow I will write another two thousand! Have a good night, good people. Yours truly is at peace.

Winter Wonderland Again!

Last night was not the most relaxing. Around midnight, the fire alarm in the hallway started going off. As it kept happening repeatedly, I went and knocked on a neighbor’s door and he shrugged, saying “I was just boiling water. The fire alarm here is very sensitive!” I thought, “alrightie, then!” I went back to bed and around two (a.m., mind you) I was awakened by some guy on the phone right outside my apartment. It seemed like it, anyway. Some of the things that I heard him say (it was a telephone conversation) were quite appalling! I crawled back to bed. I did fall asleep instantly, and of course, my alarm went off at six thirty. It was time for another day. I took a shower and applied putty to my hair as it has grown beyond control! I BADLY need a haircut! Alas, my hair grows while I watch!

So after getting all dandy, I headed out of the apartment. Oh wow, during the sleepless night, my neighborhood had transformed itself into a winter wonderland again. Everything was covered in white cotton candy. Some call it “snow,” I think. It was simply beautiful to look at. Unfortunately, though, I had to do more than simply look at it. I had to navigate through nature’s “slow down, buddy” mechanism. I crossed over to the other side of the road and waited for the bus. It was cold… well, freezing, really. The buses were late due to the weather conditions, and I stood there waiting, listening to my fingertips freezing. I just used hyperbole J

Oh, and here’s the good news! I managed to write 2000 words today as well. Well, 2020 to be exact. I’m following your advice to a T, Mr. King! I sincerely hope I can keep up with this. I will be such a prolific author, I swear! I went to see a therapist today at the Counseling Center. He was an extremely pleasant man, and I think, the hour was well spent. He recommended group therapy. I think it would be good to let out some of my fears, frustrations, etc. After the session with the therapist, I headed over to Stevenson where I drank coffee and chatted with my wonderful friends, Jan and Irene. I got to see a number of people who peeped in to say hello. Jan asked me if there’s anyone I don’t know!! Ha ha ha! That was a sweet comment; It makes me smile even as I type. Thank you, Jan!! And OH MY GOODNESS, it was only last night that Jan and I were chatting on Facebook and she mentioned that if Michael W. Smith ever comes to Peoria, we should go and see the concert! BINGO!!!! Today Jan tells me that HE’S COMING TO PEORIA NEXT MONTH!!! We are soooooooooooooooooooo going. Oh yeah! Yes yes yes! I’m almost peeing my pants out of excitement! Well, not quite J

It was a good day. Health keeps plummeting, but the day was still good. Oh, I just ate an apple. I thought it was a good way to end my blog tonight. I hope you have a blessed night, dear reader.

A humbling day for me

First day of classes! I went to Stevenson to see some familiar faces; faces that never fail to greet me with a smile and a friendly hello. Nancy made coffee, and of course, I’m always in the mood for coffee. So we had coffee over a friendly chat. I also called Bradford to sort out my software issues in relation to the program I’m using to teach online. As both sections I teach have the same syllabus, I have some time on my hands. So I walked to the library to follow Stephen King’s advice.

I wrote 2000 words in two hours! So my friends, if I continue at this wonderful pace, I will be as prolific a writer as Stephen King! Let’s see if I can continue doing this. I’m definitely going to try. I was quite happy with what I wrote, too. Tonight, I’m going to try to squeeze out another thousand. I can do this. I honestly believe I can.

Healthwise, it was one of the worst days ever. I fell several times in my apartment. Oh well, it could be worse, I’m sure! From Stevenson, my beautiful friend Jessica gave me a ride all the way to my apartment. Jessica, if you are reading this, I want to say you are an amazing person. So brave and selfless. Thank you for sharing a bit of you with me. I’m in awe.

I didn’t do a whole lot, until Kathryn took me to Kroger for grocery shopping. Thank you, Kathryn, for being so thoughtful. I’m so very grateful. I’m amazed by the goodness that surrounds me. I’m a lucky devil! J After coming back to my apartment, I had some healthy whole grain cereal with raisins and dry roasted peanuts. I’m listening to Michael W. Smith as I type. I absolutely love his song, “I Will Carry You.” What an incredibly powerful song. It makes me cry everytime!

After some rest (maybe I will meditate for fifteen minutes), I will have a go at the next thousand words. It was a very long day, and I struggled a lot, but now I’m home. I feel good… like I want to do good deeds all my life. I wasn’t trying to sound sanctimonious, really. I feel good… kind… Reader, may you be blessed.

Determined

Last Sunday before classes start again! The break just flew by, but maybe I’m ready for school to begin. It’s good to see people. I like to be surrounded by them, in fact, even when I don’t know who they are. I need people around me. 

 It was a lazy day, and I spent most of the day in bed. I did work on my syllabus and put it on CompClass. I also started re-reading Running with Scissors. It feels too quiet around me, though. I need noise around me. Well, maybe not too much, but it’s good to have people around me. I draw energy from them. I don’t steal, so don’t worry ;) Oh, as I was listening to music on YouTube, I found this amazing song by Michael W. Smith. It’s called “I Will Carry You.” It is a gorgeous song, and I feel like I’m uttering those words. Beautiful. Beautiful.

So tomorrow, the madness begins again. I’m going in with a positive attitude, even though it gets harder by the day. I will try. I have mapped out dreams no matter how unattainable they might be. I’m going to follow Stephen King’s advice. I will start writing 2000 words a day. It’s not so much. If at all, I might have to bring it down to 1000 or so. Something is better than nothing. I have to learn to touch-type too. This would essentially make it easier to write. I have also decided to submit my writing to journals and magazines outside ISU. I can do this. The worst that can happen is getting a letter of rejection. So what? I will collect them J

I went to church in the morning. It was good to be there. I will ask for God’s guidance to tackle this semester. It’s funny that I have so much faith, being a gay man; I don’t think that God can be fully understood by human rationality. We can try, but we can only know in part. This gives me comfort. No matter how much the world can put one down, it’s only God who has the right answers. I stress “only,” so I will add a few buckets of salt to what anyone might say about God, if I don’t agree with it. God gave me a fully functional brain and a heart, too J

I will wake up at six in the morning and take the bus to Stevenson. I’m excited in a quaint way, I guess. I have very little balance now… but I can still smile, and I will do that tomorrow. I will smile. I’m determined.

As I type

As I type, I have three bottles of shampoo to my left and three bottles of conditioner to my right. They were on sale at CVS, and I bought them on my way home from a busy day at Stevenson. It was a highly productive day, but I could not stay for the last session as I was not feeling too well. It started when I was choking on broccoli. I’m used to choking as it happens multiple times every day. I was choking for a few minutes, and I tried hard to block tears that I was shedding as a result of the choking. There were people around, and I still feel terribly insecure and ashamed. I know it’s no fault of mine, but I still don’t feel too great about it. And now, I’m putting it all out on a blog. An oxymoron, I suppose.

As I type, I’m listening to Michael J. Fox’s memoir about his Parkinson’s disease. It gives me strength to hear these consuming stories. I’m heavily into trauma theory. It’s all I have ever known, it feels, but I manage to smile, still. I think my smile is induced by divine intervention.

As I type, I experience the scent of the shampoo on my left and conditioner on my right, every twenty minutes. When I do, I close my eyes and imagine the world is perfect; my world is perfect. Then I open my eyes and realize I’m alone in my studio. Nothing is perfect about my world. Nothing. I’m okay with that.

As I type, I want to disappear like a thin screen of fog. Like dew in the presence of the sun. Like a non-speaking character in a great tragedy.

As I type, I want to smile at the new dawn that awaits me.

I think I still can.

Little Joys

It was just past four when I woke up to go to the bathroom. I felt dizzy as I was heading back to bed. Sure enough, very soon that day of my panic attack came to my mind. There was a shooting pain coming from my neck, and my mouth went dry. Oh, dear god! Not again, I thought. I knew the signs were definitely heading that way, so I quickly grabbed my phone and went through the contact list. I stopped at Katherine’s number and wondered if I should call. Then I remembered that the previous time, it all came back to normal in a few minutes, so I bore the pain, the dizziness, the anxiety, and the potential end of everything. When I woke up it was eight something. I lived through this a second time. I’m not sure if it was a wonderful thing, but I was alive. It was scary, though, when it happened. Because I live alone, it’s scarier. I was shaken by this. I still am, in fact. .

The day went on as usual. My orientation started today. I went early to the department, so I could chat with Jan and Irene for a while. When I checked my mailbox, I had a card and a copy of the latest Writer’s Chronicle. The card was from Jan. It was beautiful, and I was excited to receive the Writer’s Chronicle. I  only stayed at STV for a little bit, still fairly disturbed by the latest whirlwind in my backyard. I emailed my doctor and am waiting to hear back from him. Campus starts next week, and I have a lot on my plate. It scares me.

I live for little joys of life. A smile, a hello, a hug. I hope I can sleep tonight. I hope my neck would behave. I hope people would smile at me tomorrow, if I’m still here. Smile with me. It means a lot, sometimes. More than what one might imagine. A lot more. And sometimes, it’s all I have.

When Dishes Pile Up

For a while I have been noticing how messy and unliveable my apartment is becoming. Of course, there's no excuse for not cleaning up after myself, but sometimes, or rather, more often than not, washing a simple plate amounts to a little battle in my world. Okay, maybe not that bad, but resting is of absolute necessity. So I let things go by, procrastinate, do what I like, etc. You know how that goes. Then all of a sudden, when I have about 30 or so hours left before school starts, I start panicking. In other words, being as desperate as I am to have a clean apartment, and organized books and papers for a new semester, I'm faced with tons of cleaning, lots of dishes, loads and loads of laundry, and scattered books and papers. This battle seems a lot bigger than one single plate. Can I do this, "crawling like snail"?

Well, for starters, I don't have much of a choice; the show must go on, so I came up with an action plan. In fact, I'm in the middle of it right now. One plate at a time, one dish at a time, one folder at a time. It's easier said than done, but I think it is doable. I will find out soon enough. I'm going to do in little batches. It won't, hopefully, be that daunting. I just finished doing a small batch ofdishes. Wasn't all that bad, really... here's how I plan to do it. I'm writing this down, more for my sake than yours. :) Bear with me.

Small batch of dishes
Rest
Another small batch
Rest
Dry the two batches
Rest
Put away dishes
Rest
Clean the kitchen (it's a kitchenette, to be accurate)
Rest
Clean the dining table (This is not as simple as it sounds!)
Rest
Put laundry in laundry bag
Rest
Sweep the kitchen
Vacuum the dining area
Rest

AND NOW I SHOULD HAVE A CLEAN 0.5 APARTMENT

Then

Pick up garbage from the sleeping/studying area
Rest
Take books/papers to the dining table
Clean the dresser top
Rest
Clean the computer desk
Rest
Arrange bed
Take all papers from under the bed to the dining table (This might be a Herculean task!)
Rest Rest Rest
Clean other little things in the sleeping/studying area
Rest
Vacuum
Rest

NOW, THE BATHROOM!

Clean th bathtub
Rest
Arrange my countless toiletries
Rest
Mop the kitchen floor and bathroom floor
Rest

HMMMM GETTING CLOSE!

Spray air freshner
Listen to Enya

DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, I reckon that it's not all that simple, but I can a least try. After all this is done, I will try to write my 2000 words, and then polish my syllabus for spring. Well, wish me luck! :)

Green Tea with a Dash of Inspiration

Right now I feel like a kid about to go on a rollercoaster. It's probably a bad analogy, but I really feel inspired, encouraged and excited. I will try to explain below, but pardon me if my mind wanders; it's a habit of my dreamy mind.

The day didn't start like it was any different. I woke up and wondered most wholeheartedly if I was waking up from a bad dream of nine years. Then I started heading to the bathroom and realized that it was not a nightmare at all. It's as real as a little fish entering a shark's mouth unwittingly. Well, maybe not that bad. I was a theater majore eons ago! Come on now! So anyway, the day started as usual. I didn't want to be stuck in my lonely studio, so I ventured forth. I had to get a refill of my muscle relaxant, too. Aftewards, I went to Stevenson and had a wonderful chat with Nancy and Joyce (I'm finally learning to drop the Doctor title!). Nancy told me about a wonderful website that gave good cleaning tips. When I came back to my apartment, I started immediately with this website. I had mentioned to Nancy that my apartment was getting to be really messy and that I was finding it difficult to clean. She was so kind to even offer help; many others have too, but I'm the martyr! :)

Then I started listening to an audiobook while demoting articles of trash from my sleeping/studying area to a garbage bag. I was listening to "On Writing" by Stephen King. I had purchased it on Audible.com. It really inspired me, so following Mr. King's advice, I'm really determined to take this dream of being a writer to a new height. He said he wrote something like 3000 words every day. I will write 2000, I thought. I can do it. Yes, I can. Yes. Yes.

Oh, and thanks, Panini, for the sweet card!! :)) As you had said, Audrey Panini Caseltine, I'm so going to embrace this year with a big smile and a big dream. I'm going to write like crazyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! So I have a revitalized dream. That's how I deal with this thing called MS or something. I invent dreams; intangible columns to hold on to. Keep reading my story, though. I will do this. Yes, I can. WOAH HA HA HA HA HA! I tried a cruel kinda laugh, and just failed miserably! :)

Oh, I'm sipping green tea with lemon and honey as I write this.