I have no shame!

I have almost fully moved into my new apartment, and it’s lovely. It’s located in a great place, and my roommates are wonderful! Getting things arranged is a bit of a struggle, but I will get there… bit by bit, I will arrange my books and clothes; they take up two thirds of my room. Alas, I also need to find a place to store my FIVE suitcases. With them, I really just have a bed and a desk, not a room! But I will get there…

It was a productive day, indeed. With the help of a friend, I was able to clean my old apartment to a great degree. It’s much cleaner. All I have to do is move a few things and clean the refrigerator. I cleaned the bathroom today, and my friend vacuumed the place, so it’s simply a matter of moving a few kitchen items, my clothes, a suit case, and cleaning the refrigerator. It shouldn’t be too bad. Hopefully, I’d be able to get it done tomorrow and return my keys.

After a very healthy lunch in a much cooler place (I was really suffocating! The heat kills me!!), we headed to Bromen Hospital to collect a CD of the two MRI’s I had done there to be compared with the MRI that was done last week. At Bromen, the very friendly man near the entrance asked me with a smile if I needed a wheelchair. I suppose I did, so I succumbed. I was pushed in a wheelchair all the way to radiology. I felt a little scared that this was becoming a habit. Ah, but it helped, and as Joy said, maybe using a wheelchair will be liberating. It’s time to surrender… I guess I have too much pride. And I’m scared… I really am. All this is planned, I think. Not in a bad way, of course. It’s comforting to know that someone has all the answers. Amen.

It couldn’t be an accident that I started reading MAUS by Art Spiegelman. Going through the most macabre details of the Holocaust, I can view my body and its imperfections with new eyes and be grateful for the little I have: I’m not starving, and I still can do a few things I enjoy. I just took a cold shower, and I’m grateful for every drop of water. What was harder today, was compromising heavily inculcated cultural baggage. My legs are so thin, and my jeans were falling down revealing a lot more than I’m used to. When greater things are at stake, how can I worry about such petty things? They might not look all that petty to the outside world, but to me, when I compare my challenges, this is nothing. I die a thousand deaths because of the heat, and some can’t even begin to understand. They probably think I’m being lazy or dramatic. It’s so amazingly revealing, I think, to be able to see the world through someone else’s eyes. I just sympathize with those who are unable to. They probably don’t mean badly, anyway. Miracles happen when one is able to remove oneself from the equation of life.

The hardest thing for me today, was to realize that MS was affecting my memory and cognition quite badly. When Gary took me to OSF, I said it was not the right building. It was a different color, I said. I was extremely confident, too. So we drove away, and after much calling and verification, we went back to the same place. It was the right place and it was always that color (I have been there at least twenty five times). I felt extremely inadequate and unintelligent. Coming back, I came out of the main entrance and thought it was not where I came into the building from, so I walked back in. Luckily, I saw the car pull up. Ah, what else is in store for me? I will live for the moment, though, and be thankful for the fan that keeps me cool, my sunglasses, my delicious cologne, my tricycle, and my genuine friends.

No one said my life was going to be a walk in the park.olocaustHH

The world looks different… from a wheelchair

I love Shakespeare. Let me re-phrase: I once LIVED for Shakespeare. The wisdom, the poetry, the visual opulence when enacted on stage. When I was in high school, I won some endowed prize for Shakespeare determined by an exam on the Bard and his work. My name appears on the wall of the college auditorium. I considered that an honor, especially because only so many names can be displayed on the wall: there were eight thousand students (all boys) in the school then and it was built in 1835. I memorized Shakespeare’s Sonnet 18 when I was 13 (Shall I compare thee…), and I still remember word for word. I also remember Viji (my first lit teacher) with awe and fondness unparalleled. He’s no more… gone to “dusty death”… Life is indeed a “poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. ‘Tis a tale told by an idiot. Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

So many years later, I’m a poor grad student in Normal/Bloomington. I’m poor, and I like it that way. When pastor Knapp invited me to see Complete Works of Shakespeare (abridged) at the Shakespeare festival, I was ecstatic. It was not just the play, but dinner as well. I had dinner with some wonderful people whose goodness touched me very deeply. It’s easier being with people who recognize their minuteness in the greater scheme of things, a truth I’m becoming more aware of at the passing of each day. The resultant empathy towards the fellow human being is “a thing of beauty”, “a joy forever.” As I was recently advised by the doctor that I need to have protein in my system, I eat fish now. Sandy’s salmon dish was a rare gastronomical delight! So soft… so rich… and I loved the crunchy onions on top. The fragrance made my taste-buds scream. Such good food, such good people… Bob, Sandy, Misaka, Harry, Marla. It’s been only a couple of days, and I miss them all dearly. It’s easier, I think, for me to miss people. Another lesson MS has taught me: everything is so transitory, so short-lived. I have Misaka’s smile imprinted in my mind. I rely on it when the going gets tough. I will remember the joy and selfless love with which she offered us many different flavors of ice cream. The ice cream was to die for… Misaka’s smile, a thousand times better. After an amazingly fulfilling dinner, we headed to the Ewing Manor for Complete Works of Shakespeare (abridged). Bob (Pastor Knapp) told me that they brought their wheelchair if I needed it, but I was too mighty. Maybe I was scared that it might spell an end for me, so I decided to walk. Walking to the theater was not too hard, even though coming back was a different story.

The play was an absolute scream!! Such energy and such brilliant comic timing! Wow! This was the first time I had seen Complete Works of Shakespeare (abridged). I am so glad I could see it; the raving reviews I had read about the play made perfect sense. What a HILARIOUS work! The next day, when I thanked pastor Knapp for such a wonderful experience, he emailed me back, saying that he’d let me know if they could get tickets for Romeo and Juliet and The Winter’s Tale as well. The very thought made me smile from ear to ear, and when Pastor Knapp emailed me again to say that they have been able to get tickets for me for both Romeo and Juliet and The Winter’s Tale, I was beside myself. During the two following evenings, I met some more wonderful people (Jim and Helen) and got the chance to experience some wonderful professional theater.

Romeo and Juliet was amazingly well directed and acted. They were professional actors, so they knew exactly what they were doing. The play started with the entire cast delivering the opening lines against a backdrop of the feud between the Capulets and the Montagues. Beautifully done. The very opening of the play sent chills down my spine. I’m not sure whether it was the sheer brilliance of the cast or my own memories of the play that drew such a passionate response from me. I was moved to tears at least five times during the performance. The memories are many: I studied the play for my G.C.E. A/L exam, I acted in the play in 1995, I have seen countless performances, I acted a monologue for a college acting final… They all came back. I enjoyed every single actor; I thought Romeo, Benvolio, Mercutio, and the nurse were phenomenal. At the curtain call, I wanted to stand up to applaud, but my limbs were very week, so I simply clapped as loud as my feeble hands allowed.  

The Winter’s Tale was probably my favorite out of the three. The absolute perfection of the leads as well as the supporting cast was simply mind-blowing. The seats we had were so close to the actors that I could easily detect their physical, mental, and emotional investment in the roles they were playing. The actress who played the nurse played Paulina this time. Her versatility as an actress was evident in leaps and bounds. What a drastic and well handled transformation!

After a physically challenging first night of walking back to the car after the performance, I decided to use the wheelchair the second and third nights. It was the first time I had been in a wheelchair. The world looked a lot different, I thought. It looked bigger and insurmountable. I felt little, weak, and insignificant. I was sad to be a dependent, to depend on the kindness of people around me. And then I realized that I would do the same for my fellow man. I wouldn’t have to think twice. This realization came from the compassion and sensitivity of the hands that pushed me in the wheelchair. The helping hand to get in and out, the sincere apologies when going over bumps, the uncomplaining warmth of the labor… made me realize that the world, despite its vastness, can be an easier and manageable place when we are surrounded by goodness and compassion. So if I have to be in a wheelchair one day, I will surrender to the warmth of the heart next to me for I remember 1 Corinthians:

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Light at the end of the Tunnel?

Maybe there is or maybe one should learn to enjoy the darkness. I am, and I am learning to revel in it. Good things come to those who wait, apparently, and love finds YOU… well, I don’t know about that, but I do know that accepting and surrendering help me a lot. It’s difficult to accept, and it’s even more so to surrender. I’m a quiet rebel, so I try to trample whatever that attempts to damn me… like MS… I swim, I do my physical therapy exercises, I do my speech therapy exercises (ALMOST!!), I cook, I sing, I write, I read… the list is endless, but deep inside, I’m also trying not to let out this massive fear that looms within. I will squash it, I will trample it, I will beat it… maybe in an in an ideal world. That’s not my world, for sure.  

But today was an exceptionally good day. In the morning I went to OSF by bus to sort out my insurance issues and show the PROUD letter that undertakes to pay my OSF bills in full! Kelly at the reception was very sweet. I was embarrassed when she said “HI LASAAAAAAANTHA,” because I didn’t know her name then. I do now.

Then I went to the English department and chatted with Jan and Irene. I also ate some yummy treats and drank iced green tea while I was there. It was murderously hot today, and I almost collapsed when I was on the way to the store, but I made it and bought fish, shrimp, bananas, strawberries, carrots, cranberries, etc. When I came home, I crashed. I REALLY CRASHED. The backpack was heavy and the day was way too hotttttt!! And then I woke up…

I was invited by pastor Knapp to see Romeo and Juliet AND The Winter’s Tale this weekend. I’m thrilled to pieces! They have been able to get complimentary tickets for me. I’m just completely amazed by the goodness around me. Amazing… I somehow feel like I’m getting somewhere. I managed to find a much cheaper apartment, I managed to sell most of the things I wanted to sell to make ends meet, and I met some wonderful people.

Today, this Indian couple came to buy my keyboard. They were amazingly shy and sweet, I wish I could give away the keyboard without charging… alas, I need the money, though, so I brought down the price and told them they could take anything they wanted from my kitchen for free: the toaster, spoons, containers, etc. They were in a hurry, though, and they didn’t want to take anything L

I cooked shrimp today since I can eat sea food now. It was really good, if I may say so myself! I feel, despite the physical challenges, I had a great day. I feel that someone’s watching over me. I feel I can do anything. Keep me in your care, my Father in heaven.

I'm a New Person

My Memorable Week

It’s amazing how the week has changed me as a person. When I registered for a one week playwriting workshop at the Iowa Writers' Summer Festival, I simply wanted to connect with some people I had dearly missed and work on my play that is to be read/performed here in Bloomington this October. I did both… and I did a lot more… I met some amazing people, I fell in love with Iowa City, I fell in love with a cat (for the very first time in my life!), and my memory bag is full. This blogpost, I know, is hardly comparable to the wondrous experience I had. I will try my best to recount, relive, and hopefully, feel the scent once more. I only returned last night, and I already long to go back… It really was an amazing week… A*M*A*Z*I*N*G*  J

Chicago

I had to spend one night in Chicago in order to make it on time the next day to Iowa City. It was accidently that I came across the CouchSurfing website. The CouchSurfing experience has completely changed my life and given me fresh hope. It feels like the website is made for people like me. I just cannot wait to travel more and get to know more people.

Upon arriving in Chicago, I met Janice for coffee. It was such a delightful experience to be able to connect again. Chicago is a big city, of course, but the nicest big city as far as I’m concerned. We had coffee at a lovely café (Oh, and I had a delectable fruitopia or something!!!) and talked about old times, present times, and what is to come. An utterly relaxing time it was. I’m EXTREMELY grateful to Janice for walking with me to the subway stations I had to be at in order to go to Michael’s for the night. Thank you, Janice! Before I got off the train, Janice told me that I could call/text her and that she could drive me to Union Station the next day!!!

When I finally arrived at Michael’s place, there was no one at home. I was shocked and had no idea what to do!!! Of course, in a few minutes, Michael  came down with a smile and informed me that the door bell was not working. Phew!

What a pleasure it was to get to know Michael. He had only moved to Chicago just a month ago after traveling the world. The apartment had that beautiful feel of a shrine. It emanated the fragrance of incense. The kitchen was lovely… and we cooked (Sri Lankan!). Michael was highly appreciative. I realized how much goodness the world hides. The CouchSurfing experience began in Chicago! Michael was a wonderful, kind, patient, relaxed, host. Oh, and the couch was very comfortable, too!!

I texted Janice and took up that kind offer to get back to the Union Station next day. As we had a bit of time, we had coffee at Panera Bread. I remarked to Janice how much better the Panera Bread in Chicago was. It was beautiful! J So after coffee, Janice Dropped me at the Megabus station for the next trip to Iowa City.

Iowa City, Celia, and Benn

The bus ride was about four hours. It was a comfortable ride, and I listened to music on my iPod the whole way through. I had taken some granola bars with me, so I was munching as well. So after four hours or so, the bus entered Iowa City - a very green city with meticulously planned gardens and beautiful houses. Celia and Benn, my Iowa City hosts, were to meet me at the bus station. I was on the 2^nd level of the bus, and the moment I got off the bus, I could see Celia coming towards me. I will never forget the first thing she said as she gave me a hug: “I feel like I have known you a really long time."

Celia took me to their beautiful home and introduced me to Benn who was working in the garden. I was instantly convinced of their goodness. You know how some people can tell you a volume of their character just through their smile? That’s what it was. I feel utterly blessed to have met these amazing people. Through the six days I spent with them, I got very attached to them. I can’t even find the right words, so I will just say they are just amazing people. Every day, they drove me to the place I needed to be at and picked me up and brought me home when I was done. I’m just deeply moved by their thoughtfulness. They inspired me way beyond a mere blogpost, so much so that saying goodbye was not all that easy. I had known them for six days… these six days were like six lifetimes, really. We laughed, cracked jokes, sang jingles, ate yummy food… Oh, what a delightful experience!

Mary Beth and Molly

On Tuesday, I met two extremely special people in my life: Mary Beth who was my host mom when I was at Waldorf, and my beautiful friend, Molly! They drove all the way to Iowa City to spend some time with me. I’m just humbled and honored.  What a beautiful time we had together! It was too short, but I feel so amazingly fortunate to have spent some time with them. We reminisced, laughed, looked at pictures, took pictures, and oh, they were able to meet Benn and Celia as well. The house was full of beautiful people. I know I’m being a little sappy as I write this… but alas, that’s who I am!

Playwriting Workshop

The playwriting workshop with Maggie Conroy was wonderful. Maggie is such a sweet, talented, accomplished lady, and I greatly benefitted from the workshop. I also met five other amazing people who were in this workshop: Rosalyn, Johnny, Doug, Meg, and Jim. We were a wonderful group! Seriously!!! Maggie’s reading at the faculty reading was simply PHENOMENAL!!!! Wow!!!

In the morning from 7.30 to 11, we met at Kapanna Coffee to write, critique, socialize, etc. and at 11, we attended various talks by faculty members on different aspects of the writer’s craft. On Friday, it was a faculty reading. It was F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S!!!!!!

On Wednesday, there was an open mic event at Beadology, agorgeous bead shop downtown, and I got some WONDERFUL comments!!!! I was a little nervous because of MS-related speech issues and anxiety, but the highly supportive audience made me slide into my actor shoes with remarkable ease. Oh, I read a dramatic monologue… a marriage between creative non-fiction and drama, so I ACTED it. What a wonderful experience!

 Dr. Wahl’s diet

Benn and Celia told me about Dr. Wahl’s diet for MS, and I’m definitely going to start this as soon as possible. There’s a ray of hope. Dr. Wahl has been in a wheelchair, and through the diet, she is now able to bike to work, so in other words, her symptoms have completely reversed!

Memory Bag

Ah, if I could re-live this week again, I really would. It was the highlight of my life. It’s good to go away… and it’s good to return, too… In my fertile mind, I will relive every moment… often… with gratitude… for this week… for Michael…Janice… Celia… Benn… Iowa City… UI…  Nina… Sasha… Prowler… Maggie… Rosalyn… Johnnie… Meg… Mary Beth… Molly… Deborah… Will…

Life is beautiful

Good Samaritans

I woke up early today for I had great plans. I knew it was going to be a long day, and I was excited about it. The first thing I had on my agenda was cooking lunch for Jan as promised. As I usually took a really long time, I had to give myself at least two hours to cook. I was going to make four things like we do in Sri Lanka. I had decided the night before that I was going to make white rice, a yellow potato curry, a lentil curry, and green beans with garlic and coconut milk. I got up to the familiar music of my cell phone, quickly brushed my teeth, and washed my face. I was very efficient, and uncharacteristically fast. I made everything in an hour! Highly pleased with myself, I made my regular breakfast: oatmeal with peanuts and raisins and a touch a of organic maple syrup. Yummers!

I neatly packed everything into my backpack and got dressed. I was rather tired, so as I had a few minutes before the bus, I lay down for five minutes with ankle braces and all. It felt good to rest a bit after being productive. Then I took the Blue Line to the Milner library. As planned, I worked on my play for a couple of hours. I must say that the play is coming out really well. It is very intense, of course, but there is quite a bit of comic relief, too. I emailed Don and Phil, and told them that as my speech is better, I could maybe play my part! They haven’t written back, but I’m utterly thrilled at the prospect. As I felt I was getting a little tired, I went to Burgerking to have some coffee. I was back to my usual self. One of the primary symptoms of ms is fatigue, and I somehow manage to battle this symptom fairly successfully. My only issue is that I try to do a tad more than I can handle.

Jan usually has her lunch at 11.30, so I thought I’d take a bus from the Bone Center. I walked over to the spot where buses stopped (right in front of the building in which Health Services is located) and waited a few minutes. No buses seemed to be coming, so I decided to walk so that I could get to the English Department before 11.30. It was a fairly long distance, especially for someone like me, but I persisted. As I was close to Stevenson, buses went past me one after the other!! Three of them, in fact. This never fails to happen, but I didn’t have time to worry about the misfortune. Huffing and puffing, I arrived at Stevenson and reached the fourth floor at 11.29. Phew!

I’m so glad I was able to do this, and Jan enjoyed the food. I did get a text message from Lisa, saying that she was very sick and was in the hospital L We were planning to have coffee, but good God, I hope all is well with my friend. Please keep her in your prayers that she finds strength and comfort to go through mammoth medical issues at such a tender age. I pray that she can return to her usual grace and youthful joy very soon.

After lunch, because my coffee date with Lisa was cancelled, I could rest for a while in the English department. Then I headed over to Carl’s with John for our bible study. It was very productive, and the soft and creamy raspberry ice cream was wonderful. Yummers!

John dropped me at my apartment, and I took a fairly long nap to recover for dinner with Quint and Krista. It was good to see them, and Quint suggested that we go to Chili’s. I had never been to the place before. It was a busy place, and Holy Moses, the food we ordered was DELISH!! I took a number of pictures (they are posted on Facebook) and we talked, laughed, ate, and all in all, had a grand time. I felt, of course, that I ate way too much. I really didn’t in retrospect as I had ordered a Caribbean salad with dried cherries, pine apple, and mandarin oranges (like heaven, it was!), but I had to swim. Krista and Quint dropped me off at the “Y”. I had only thirty minutes before the “Y” closed! I swam super fast and was able to do six laps. When I came out of the pool, though, I was terribly disabled. It was hard to take even half a step without battling imbalance. I took time, getting ready, and was at the front desk to return my locker key and get my own keys. The front desk was closed, and I was wondering how I could get my keys back, when this young kid emerged from nowhere and asked me what my keys looked like. After I told him about the red string, he fished them out for me, and I was on my way out of the “Y,” but my balance was a mess. I knew that the “Y” was only a couple of blocks from my apartment, and I simply had to go up Evans Street. I didn’t know how to find Evans Street, though. At the entrance to the “Y” as I was looking baffled and lost, that same kid who fished out my keys came to my rescue. He explained how to get to Evans Street, but it sounded much longer than I had envisioned it to be. I listened to him, retaining nothing. He was going the other way, but he came back and tried to show me where to go. It sounded like a really long way, and I was almost certain that I was not going to be able to make it. At this instant, another gentleman coming out of the “Y” asked me where I was trying to go. The kid explained, and Terry (as I later learned his name) offered me a ride. Ahhh, the little deeds of kindness. Terry was a Good Samaritan to a T just like that kid. He said I should wait right there while he got his car from the parking lot. I saw him going to his car, and I saw that kid going over to Terry and explaining further how he could get to Evans Street. Two good Samaritans in one day! Maybe they are not Samaritans, but angels. This whole incident was an amazing testimony to the goodness human beings are capable of.

Terry dropped me at the door of my apartment. On the way, I told him that I had ms and I was concerned about the walk. I knew that I was ok as I had my Blackberry and many helpful friends. Terry encouraged me to keep swimming, and when I told him my name, he said he’s going to call me “Las”! Strangely, that’s what some of my best friends call me.

What a day it had been! A good day, though, and I must say that despite the many battles and challenges, I was once again glad to be alive for I was a witness of true goodness… true beauty. Blessed indeed are the pure of heart.

My Spontaneous Date

High time too, right? Well, here goes: it was a cool day. People usually like sunshine a lot, but alas, I simply detest it! Everyone finds this nothing short of blasphemy. Some understand; in fact, I should say many understand. I tend to be somewhat weird. Not scary weird, though J. Yes, the sun wreaks havoc on my body. Every summer, I have to buy new sun glasses. That’s a different story, altogether; I’m quite absent minded.

The morning was very slow. I turned and twisted in bed as I was scared of opening the can of worms my body has become. I tried several times, but instantly closed it. I mean, I went back to bed. I had insomnia last night, so I didn’t sleep all that well. At 7.30, I was wide awake and thinking about numerous doctors’ appointments. I realized that today was a physical therapy day. I had a hunch that it was in the morning and not at two in the afternoon like last time, so I called to make sure. Doh! It was at eight and there was no way I was going to make it; besides, I had told John that it was at 2.00. p.m. So I rescheduled it and went back to sleep, and amazingly, I did fall asleep. I did call john before going back to bed and rescheduled our bible study, and as always, he understood. We planned to meet at 2 instead.  

John was also going to fix my a/c. Today was cold, though. Well, pleasant, I should say, and John came up with this brilliant idea of getting ice cream rather than coffee. So we had ice cream (did not study the bible), and he fixed the a/c. Oh, and it was black cherry soft ice cream! Some people have halos above their heads. John is one of them. I’m just amazed by his selfless goodness. A life dedicated to alleviating the misery of this world. Like Kass… Like Jan… like many people in my life, really. To enter my life, one needs a halo. If you are in my life, believe it or not, you have a halo!

Oh, so I was going to tell you about my spontaneous date! I got distracted. Well, after John left I went to the English department, my second home. I was there for about an hour and Jan gave me a ride home, and before that, Jan took me to Great Clips as I had grown tired of growing my hair. It was an unruly black mop! The stylist was super nice to me, and she said I had beautiful hair, so I gave her a big tip! I’m a sucker for positive reinforcement. Then I went back to bed, and soon after I woke up, there was a little voice inside me. It prompted me to go swimming, so I took a bus to the “Y” and swam five very graceful laps. Just five; I remembered what Kass had told me: It’s important to do something every day. This time I did the breast stroke very gracefully and fully. I took time. I was kind to my limbs. I felt the stretch. I felt the release. I embraced the soothing water like the first tulip in the spring preening to greet the morning sun rays. I felt peaceful in the water. Light. Floating. Free.

Then, that little voice in me said that I should go on a date! A date, yes, a date! I was surprised, but I succumbed. I had my Blackberry with me. I think in pictures now. It was all planned. I planned fast. I was excited in a quaint kind of way. The place that was decided on was Michaels restaurant in downtown Bloomington. I could get off the bus right outside. The soothing music, the friendly staff, the perfect dim lighting... It was just the right place. My date was very decent and pleasant. It was a perfect dinner, even though I couldn’t eat half of it. I paid the bill, of course. I try to be a gentleman. The waiter was a young man who was initially a bit reserved, but soon warmed up and treated my date with joyous courtesy. I didn’t take pictures of my date for fear of embarrassment. There were others around.  I was content. A peaceful, cathartic kind of bliss. I might go on a second date. Maybe a third… Oh, my date’s name? It starts with an L. He uses an adjustable cane and has short black hair as of this afternoon.

Oh, My Iowa…

It was extremely impulsive of me to have registered for the Iowa Writers’ Summer Festival in Iowa City. The session I registered for runs June 12^th through 17^th at the University of Iowa. I didn’t think much; I just registered, despite the bleak financial implications. Yes, writing is my chosen vocation, but Iowa means a lot more: it’s the special place that shaped me into the person I am. It’s a place that became home to me… it’s a place that gave me a second chance at life…. My mind is saturated by delicious nostalgia, and I feel glad to be alive. I have missed Iowa and the many faces that never ceased to conjure up love and belonging, mercy and forgiveness, dreams and the multitudinous hands that helped me pick up shards when those dreams were shattered. I write from these brown hands that once prayed to a power I didn’t know about. I was lost in many ways, and I still might be, but I found a pasture among the rolling hills, among the far-reaching cornfields, among endless blue skies… to rest… to reflect… to rebuild… to start over. Oh, My Iowa…

I remember like it was yesterday how I was looking for sky-scrapers and landscapes dotted with neon billboards when Heather picked me up from the Mason City airport. It was such a little domestic airport that it instantly disappointed me. I was Broadway-bound. At least so I thought. Then I landed at Waldorf like a brown leaf blown by remnants of summer wind. I thought it smelled of cow dung and manure. I thought it was a world away from the glamour I envisioned. And it was. Oh, my Iowa…

The two years at Waldorf changed me so much that I can’t even remember who I was before. Sometimes, when frustrated by the grueling realities of my present condition, I close my eyes and dream of bygone grandeur: the Moses Hogan Festival, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, the choir trip to Europe, the Global Culture Club, Antigone, Beloved Friend, Good Person of Setzuan, You Never Can Tell, The 1940’s Radio Hour, Hamlet, Rozencrants and Guildenstern are Dead,  Smith Theater, The Lobbyist newspaper, The chapel, Global Food Fest, Home Coming 1999, 2000 at the Schmidts’, South Tanner Residence Hall, The Atrium, The Lund Pond, The Viking statue, stew at Mary Beth’s… I can go on forever.  Oh, My Iowa…

I’m coming back. It’s been a long time, and the years have not been extremely kind to me, but I cherish the memories… the love… Oh, My Iowa… I’m coming home…

When days are numbered…

I don’t know what exactly prompted this writing, but whatever it is, I know in my heart that it is towards a good end. I just felt euphoric and wistful at the same time. Maybe I’m bipolar (but then I can’t be feeling opposites at the same time, I suppose). The bottom-line is that I feel my days are somewhat numbered. Well, I’m not planning to give up at all. It’s just an instinct. One of those morbid moments in my exceedingly exhausting life. I have a surge of emotions running through me, and I feel compelled to share. Not much has happened in the last few days that was out of the ordinary. I just feel I take in way more than I was ever meant to. I remember looks, smiles, words, laughs, nightmares, visions, flashes more than I ever have before. Something must be happening to me, and this (writing) strikes me as a way to make sense of this erratic universe of mine – the universe in which you hold a very dear place.  

I’m extremely weepy these days. I cry (at least internally) when I see a beautiful blossom. I cry when I see pain, I cry when anyone is helpless… I cry when I write… like now. I feel there’s so much I can do for this world. Yours and mine. And that I have no way of articulating anything. I feel crippled and voiceless. I feel inadequate. I feel I was not accomplishing what I was sent here for… this earth… this universe. I’m the smiling guy. I’m also the weeping guy. I can feel… a lot more than one can ever imagine.

I’m lucky, though. I feel blessed. I feel fortunate that I have so much less pain than most of the world. I feel unjustly situated. I feel undeserving. That’s what prompts this note. I sometimes wish I could watch my life like a movie. I might get a better perspective then. I’m hopeful, but every single day is slightly worse than the one before. So I pray, and I know lots of people are praying for me. I wish I could do much more. I feel I can only do one hundredth of what I could do. Isn’ t that always the case though?

I went to Stevenson in the morning, even though dragging myself to the bathroom was like a wild parade. I couldn’t see that well, so I didn’t mingle much. I just stayed where I was, crippled by immobility,blurred vision, and inarticulate speech. I had to be there to help my online students if they needed help. Only one student came today, and her eyes when I told her that she only had minimal revisions to get an “A” in the class validated my existence. Ah, the joy of little things. I realized when I was at Stevenson, how imperfect I was. I realized that I was gradually slipping from my overly gregarious self. I felt selfish. I felt like a burden on the world. I felt this. I did. I did.

When I came back to my apartment, earlier than I should have, because I felt nauseous and sick and heavy-hearted, there was a package waiting for me. It was from Em – Emily. Ah, I cried when I opened it, Em. It was a gorgeous portrait that she had painted. Emily is a phenomenal artist. On the back of this beautiful painting, she had written, “I pray for you, everyday.” I have this gorgeous painting on my mantelpiece that doesn’t work. It reminded me of the beauty of this world. The talent of this world. The goodness of this world.

I’m a melancholic. When I was about sixteen, I wrote a poem called “As the leaves fall.” I remember it word for word:

In an autumn eve

The leaves fall

To the golden earth

One by one.

From an open frame

I watch entranced

When memories roll

As the leaves fall.

A solitary bird

On a leafless branch

Sings a strain

That makes me sad.

She complains

Of the earless wind

That robs her friends

As the leaves fall.

I realize

The hopeless hope

That makes us sad

Day by day

When all we know

Is an aimless end

As the leaves that fall

As the leaves that fall…

I feel like this now. Maybe it’s the blues of a semester ending. A year ending, really. I want to gather the rosebuds while I may… there’s no time to lose. I wish sometimes, though, that I could love the whole world. I’m so imperfect, though. I’m so so imperfect. I want to be good. I want to see someone smile. Maybe it’s goodness induced by impending closure… Maybe. I believe, for it makes sense to me. And you can believe what makes sense to you, and I will love you with my whole heart, not just a part. When I go to bed, I think of my blessings. I think of ways I could be a better human being. Ways I could make this a better world. And I cry a little.

I want to hug every stranger who opens the door for me

It was an eventful day, to say the least. Maybe I don’t say how hard life is for me, maybe I can hardly ever get rid of my permanent smile, maybe it pays to be selfish sometimes, but whatever the case is, utterly selfish and insensitive behavior and words affect me really badly. I try really hard to seem normal, but my life is very far from it. I struggle a lot. To walk, to talk, to write, to remember, to swallow… You get the picture. It’s amazing how one person can completely ruin my day, but I will not go into detail. My day was a very challenging one, but on the other hand, I got a lot done and a few kind words from friends and strangers redeemed this day for me.

I really overdid today. I woke up to another day. The present is a gift, they say. Mine must have been purchased at the Dollar Store!!!! No complaints… no complaints… I smile as I write, so don’t feel bad for me. I made my usual PB&J sandwich, got ready, and took the Blue Line to campus. I worked for two hours in the library and walked over to the Counseling Center for my group therapy appointment. As I was struggling to open doors, strangers came back from where they were going and opened the door for me and held it open until I passed. This happened three times today. I say “thank you,” of course, but I’m sure they don’t have the slightest idea how that little deed of kindness brightened my day. So I made it to the group session.  It was good to know that others have problems, too. Not that I revel in others having problems, but it helps me to think less of mine. After group, I took two buses to the “Y.” I made it, but in order to be back on campus in time for my class, I had to come out of the pool in 20 minutes. I quickly changed into my swim gear and plunged into the pool. I did not take any breaks today, and I did 8 laps. This was an achievement for me. When I got out of the pool, I was terribly disabled. It’s always like that, but I had to change super fast to catch the next bus, so I struggled awfully hard to get dressed and hurry (in my own humble way) to the bus stop. I made it!!!!

I went to the English department and had my PB&J sandwich. I’m so glad that Jan was there. I was upset, and I’m sure Jan could guess even if I didn’t tell her, but I did. I had to get some of it out.

I had Joe’s class today, and it was good. I was in a different world, though. I was so very hurt today, but oh well, some people can’t see beyond themselves. It makes me really sad. Oh well, I say. I hope I will never be insensitive to those who are visibly challenged. I sat through my Seminar and left a little early as I had to catch the bus. I’m glad it was my favorite bus driver tonight. He always says, “Hey buddy!” It’s such a small thing, but it brightens my world. I remember these kind words when it gets hard to cope, when I reflect on my day, when I pray… Blessed are the pure of heart, and blessed, indeed, are those who can see beyond themselves.

Chocolate-covered Pecan

I have not posted a note for quite a while, so here I am. It’s been a little hectic, but I’m still managing. Oh, I swim everyday now for an hour or so, and it definitely helps me. When I come out of the pool, I feel extremely disabled, but in a while I recover. The ankle braces help, and even more than that what helps is “people;” people who truly care. I feel blessed in being able to identify people who’d stick by me when the going gets tough. Some, unfortunately, simply live by the phrase, “out of sight, out of mind.” Sad, it is. Really sad… I will not dwell on that, though.

Life is good when the ones who stick by you are the ones who truly care. So today as usual  I went to the “Y” to swim. Sandy, the receptionist, never fails to greet me with a vibrant smile and a “THERE he is!!” I love that! It’s a joy to see positive, smiling people. I swam about 12 laps today. It was great as I had the pool almost entirely to myself. It can be a little scary since the doctor told me that I’m at risk of drowning, but there’s a lifeguard, so it’s all good. On coming back from the “Y”, Sandy offered me chocolate covered nuts. I took a pecan, and it was yummy. More than the chocolate covered pecan, though, I was moved by the gesture. Blessed are the pure of heart. I firmly believe that.

It was good to see Jan, Irene and Nancy as always. My class was great. I was able to read the entire piece I wrote even though my pronunciation is horrid now. I find it hard to pronounce certain words. My classmates were very understanding, and as always, Kass was a strength. When I came back home I went through the comments my peers had given me. They were simply beautiful. I read them over and over… so positive, encouraging, and just beautiful. I can’t thank them enough.

Heading home, I bumped into Angela; we are both very excited about the diversity week. I reminded her about a microphone, so hopefully, we’d be able to get one arranged. I’m nervous, but more excited than nervous. Life is good… hard, yes; no pain, no gain, right? I never wanted any gain, though. Through the whole day, I remembered that chocolate covered pecan and the love with which it was offered. Little things, little things. They win the day for me.

A new lease of life

It’s time for a good note! Well, it’s close to ten years of having MS. It’s here to stay, of course, but we do what we can. It was a long and lethargic morning, but I managed to go to campus. I had thought that Irene’s reading was today. Ops! It’s next week. It was good, though, to see some friendly faces. I’m like a fixture in the English Department. I checked my email and managed to write to my students while there. I knew that today was the day that I was to get my ankle braces. I was somewhat excited, but I did not entertain thoughts of some magical transformation. MS is a cruel beast, after all! Oh, in the morning I had some kind of protein shake. It really filled me up and has only 250 calories. I didn’t have lunch. I did have some trail mix, though. I have become such a calorie counting freak!

Back home I took a nap and tried to clean a little upon waking up. John was to take me to Peter’s Orthopedics to get the ankle braces. He was there as promised, of course, and we headed to Peter’s Orthopedic. It was a bleak day. The sky was gray, and the wind was chilly. Mid forties is not that bad though. I like it fairly cold, anyways!

John dropped me off, and I waited in the waiting area for Tracy, my compassionate ankle brace guy with very blue eyes.  The friendly receptionist then took me in and asked me to wait for Tracy in room three. He came after tapping on the door gently; he had the braces in his hand. Hmmmm… I wondered how those skeletal structures were going to help me walk. Tracy helped me get the braces into my shoes and asked me to try walking in them. Oh, and Tracy is a guy, by the way. A very friendly, articulate man with azure eyes. So I started walking…

Holy cow! I felt like floating. I could not believe that those little inserts could help me walk with 20% of the effort I used to put into walking. Wow! Amazing!!! Tracy was so thrilled that the braces helped me walk better. I did look fairly robotic in those, but at this stage of the game, who cares!?!?!?! So I got braces today, and with them, a new lease of life. I can stand better; they support my posture and gait. I’m not used to feeling this good. It’s been several years. I hope this feeling remains. This comfort. This ease.

The first thing I did after returning home was writing a facebook status. I got quite a few inspiring comments. Ah, I love good people. They make it all worthwhile. I feel so light after so many years. It’s not like my MS has gone away, but I do sincerely feel better. I feel I can make something out of this life. I wasn’t that sure this morning. I’m thankful to Tim… John… Jan… Tracy… and everyone responsible for my new lease of life. I just hope this is not some dream. I’m just not used to it.

Tears in Heaven…

As I write this tonight, I’m overcome by a surge of emotions that I don't know how to even begin to express. I thought I was a writer, but I realize that human goodness is difficult to articulate in limited words. Language cannot, as we discussed in many classes, express the length and breadth of human experience. It can only scratch on the surface. This is the best I can do tonight, my dear dear friend, Stacy. I was really crying when I left that message on your phone. I’m deeply touched. I’m moved beyond limited words. Oh, but they are good tears. I will return to this blessed part of my day later. Let me go from the beginning. It was a great day, despite my failing and ailing body. Thank God we are more than our bodies. They fail, more often than not. I’m glad that I can feel joy still. I cry very easily these days. I’m moved deeply, to my very fibers.

In the morning, after meeting with a student, Tim (Jan’s husband) took me to Peter’s Orthopedic. I’m simply overwhelmed by the compassion and goodness of people in my life. Oh, what would I ever be without these beautiful people? Peter’s Orthopedic was full of friendly people, too. They gave me good news. They told me that ankle braces will really help my walking. I have what is called a “drop foot,” so some support would definitely help! Tim (after reminding me repeatedly that I should eat before class!!!!! Ha ha ha!) dropped me at the Bone center. I met with a counselor regarding group therapy. She was a wonderful lady, and I’m excited about my group therapy session this Thursday! Oh, so I had some gummy something and chocolate milk for lunch J At the English department, I was able to, as always, see some wonderful people. I wish I could let everyone know how much they mean to me. I hope my eyes speak.

My Creative Writing Pedagogy class (with Joe) was an amazing experience. I cried a few times as I was deeply moved by some of the stories my classmates shared. It was an intensely cathartic hour and a half for everyone. I walked to the bus stop with Theresa, who graciously offered me a ride home. My mind was full, though, so I said I was going to CVS to buy a few things. At CVS, I bought a number of things I never needed (Cashews and chili cheese fritos!). Then I took the Blue Line home. As I was opening my door, I noticed there was a big box with my name on it on the step next to my door. Then I looked at the sender’s name, which read “Kastner.” I know only one Kastner in the whole world – my dear friend and former office mate at St. Bonaventure University, Stacy Kastner. I was excited to get the box, even though I had no idea what it contained.

                Then I opened it… as I took out item by item, my eyes welled and spilled over: chocolates, heart-shaped lemon cookies, lifesavers, tea, Thai noodles… the list goes on and on. I cried for a while and then I saw the card. It read, “I believe in mind over matter… I believe in the human spirit to prevail… I believe in miracles and blessings both great and small… I believe in possibilities… I believe that hurdles in life are meant to be jumped over, not as something to stop us…” And on the inside it said, “ I believe in you.” The flood gates opened then… they are still open… they will be for a while. I’m so grateful for the beauty that surrounds me, the goodness, the love. They keep me going… and I thank God for you. I have let go of my pride to run this race all by myself. Thank you for the love that nourishes me, that fortifies me, that protects me, that holds me up… it gives me tranquility amidst troubled waters… it makes me sleep like a baby.

Hail Mary!

Ugh it was a terribly slow day, and I didn’t even go to church! I was in a bit of a “giver-upper” kinda mood. Ummm I so hate when that happens, BUT as I type I’m pretty content with life. The best remedy for these bad days is to be among people who smile. People who care. People who are positive. I’m very thankful that my friend, Jessica came to pick me up and take me to the Coffeehouse. Bless her heart! It was a wonderfully productive time, and I got to see many friendly faces. I was so thrilled to see Angela and Julie there.

I read a lot and developed a sense of peace. I realize that I have to accept what life has dealt me. Molly was so right. It’s not easy by any means, but I still have some choices available. I can decide whether to eat or famish (I can see Jan, nodding! ;)) I can decide whether to wear jeans or shorts. I can decide whether to talk or hold my peace. I can decide whether to smile or frown. So in essence, I can still choose quite a bit, really. I should NOT complain. I will not. I won’t. I won’t. That’s not me. Someone told me once that I look hideous when I complain, and I believe that. I want to be beautiful, so I will smile. I will even sing your name (AMYYYYYYYYYYYY ;)).

Tomorrow, I intend to get a LOT done. Of course, I know I always have lofty dreams and expectations, but, maybe this is doable. I’m definitely going to try. At the Coffeeehouse I drank three cups of coffee, so I’m a little hyper right now. It’s a lot better than the crestfallen mood I was in earlier. In fact, I can type much faster as well when I’m hyper, and thoughts come like a rollercoaster! I know I will be up for a while, so maybe I can get some writing done, too.

Oh, life life life. These ups and downs are so unpredictable, but I know for sure that coffee and friends are a very good combination. Oh, and when we were at the Coffeehouse there was a raucous sound that resembled a crazy man trying to play drums or something. It lasted only a few minutes: it was HAIL coming down at a horrid pace! When we came out to leave, we saw pellets of hail! So very exciting, as I had never experienced hail before. I dread to imagine the sensation had I been outside!!!! J

I’m glad the day ended fairly well. I’m thankful for the good people in my life. I love the Beatitudes (TUDES as Jan and I call them). Blessed indeed are the pure of heart! J Going gone “goed”!!

Fresh snow of a pure pure white

As unrealistic as it sounds, I still make “to do” lists that remind me I have a lot to do. And miles to go before I sleep. And miles… My neighbors are very quiet now. I hope it’s not a momentary change in the vitriolic exchanges I hear every night. Maybe they realized that others need to live a little, too. Yes, I can still live a little. Ah, that reminds me of a song that I love: “You gotta laugh a little, cry a little, let your poor heart break a little. That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.”

I still don’t quite understand why so many people think I’m brave. Well, I guess I still do what I can. I’m just clinging to a rotting excuse for a body, though. But one fine day, I will be as new as fresh snow. When I came out of my apartment, I smiled to myself, rejuvenated by pure white snow. Snow makes it hard for me to navigate, but a light snowfall lifts up my spirits and reminds me that someone up there is in control. It’s comforting. It’s liberating. Yeah, I still believe.

So I came to the library and worked almost four hours without a break on my online class. I posted all my students’ midterm grades, and I will email them individually to remind them that an online class is easy to fail. Alas! I hope no one fails.

I had a “mixed berry coffee cake” and some coffee to recover from bad papers. Well, most of them were good, though. I absolutely love the individual conferences I have with my online students at the end of the semester. It’s very hectic for me to talk so much, but meeting my students for the first time is still a wonderful experience. Most of them have delightful personalities. Alas, some of them make me re-think about the grades I have given them. Bad bad bad. I’m so easily persuaded. As long as they learn… as long as they learn…

I don’t feel too bad today. When I was walking over to Einstein Brothers to get coffee, I had an epiphany: my world is growing ever so smaller in so many ways. I’m terribly near-sighted. Until you are within reach, I don’t even know who you are. I also realized that my circle of friends (I do believe I have a large one) is dwindling. Maybe it’s not a bad thing, though. Can I be burning bridges by not being the first person to initiate contact? Maybe those bridges never really existed…  that’s my epiphany, the realization.

I still have a lot to do. When I go home today, I will work on some of them. I have tomorrow, too. But then, tomorrow is not a reality. It’s only a possibility, and I have absolutely no complaints about that J

Vegetables, I’m on my way…

It was one of those days, I guess, but it’s here to stay. I’m swiftly becoming a vegetable. For the first time since I was diagnosed with MS almost ten years ago, I felt sorry for myself. I’m really plummeting fast. I still believe in the most asinine way possible, that I can still be ok, but I realized what an unrealistic sentiment that is. Today was bad. I cannot even figure out whether it’s because I was struggling physically or whether it’s because I’m overcome with depression. Maybe a combination of both. Yeah, I struggled to keep myself erect. I struggled to speak. I struggled to eat. I have no idea why I’m still here.

I feel I’m so out of it. I still want to write. I still want to be famous. I never wanted to be rich (I still don’t), thank God. But good heavens, I feel that everything is coming to a pathetic end. I have so little to offer. I can barely manage a conversation. Maybe all this will change tomorrow. Maybe I will wake up a new man tomorrow. Maybe someone will find a miraculous cure. Yeah, I guess I’m a dreamer.

Here in my lonely studio, I listen to music. I lay myself down, and I never want to get up. Getting up means opening a can of worms, worms of existence. I don’t know how I did this for ten years. Ten years is more than enough, I think. Woe is me. I never imagined saying that, but it’s the truth.

I decided to submit to journals. To counter what’s happening to me, I’m trying so hard to focus on other things. I invent dreams. They keep me going, even when they are unrealistic and far-fetched. I don’t bake now. I rarely cook. I’m scared of falling with batter and all. MS makes me appreciate little things in life, though. In fact, only little things. Small victories as Molly said once.

This is so unbecoming of me. I’m really not a negative person at all. I try to see the bright side, but right now, there isn’t such a side. So my dear friends, pray for me. Pray that I will never get tired of fighting. Pray that I will never lose faith. I’m an open book… I will tell you all. When I’m alone in my apartment, sometimes I just cry… crying is cleansing. I have little to be ashamed of, so yes, I’m crying right now. When I’m done, I might feel a little better. Maybe. It’s a big if like everything else in my life L

Be still, my soul...

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m simply typing this as I don’t seem to be able to do much else. I was commenting on a colleague’s paper but realized that I could hardly form letters, the pen refusing to move at my feeble hand’s command. It took me light years to form a question mark. So yes, the disease is taking a toll on me. I keep telling myself that I won’t give in. I won’t. I won’t. Sometimes though, it feels like this battle is not worth all this effort. Effort to eat. Effort to wobble. Effort to fall asleep. Effort to stand. Effort to water the lilies every ten minutes or so. Effort to cough. Effort to get through the day.

Last night, for the first time in my life, I began to think about my future. If I indeed manage to finish this Ph.D., what can I do afterwards? Can I even get a job? Good heavens, it’s only now all this occurred to me. When mobility, speech, and whatever else is challenged, what can I do for a job? This is a daunting reality. Alas! Where was I all this time? Yes, I guess I was living in a safe bubble. But if I do want to make something out of my life, I should act on it.

I just don’t even know where to begin. I feel like everything is coming to a screeching halt before me. I will finish this somehow, this PhD. Then what can I do? Can I be an editor or something? A boring librarian? Ughhh... I want to keep going, but I have to have a plan. Alas alas. I’m so dramatic, but this time I really AM paranoid. OK OK I’m trying to calm down a little. So let me list what I’m worried about:

I have to finish my classes this semester. This should be alright, I think. I will battle on. Besides, I like all the classes I’m taking this semester. Online teaching is ok, too.

 I need to do an internship. I have no idea about this.

Then I need to apply for jobs, I suppose. I can barely talk, sometimes, so teaching would be out of the question. Maybe one fine day, when I’m a celebrity!! Ha!! Yeah, right! What in the world can I do? Editor? Work for a magazine, journal? I’m so lost.

The Dissertation should be manageable. I have an amazing committee, but would I be able to meet expectations? I don’t know, I don’t, I don’t.

Comps??? Where do I start???

I’m oblivious. Professional development? IRB Ughh… what what what!

I was in the emergency room twice already. When all my tests were negative, I had to conclude the severe panic attack-like symptoms were caused by ms. I’m not in a good place, right now. This is paranoia.  I feel beyond resurrection, but I don’t want to give up. Not yet… not yet… How can I be? I just want to be. Deep breathe, deep breathe.

Be still, my soul. L

I submitted my first story to an outside journal

 I am very excited as I write this. I should have done this much earlier, but I have issues. So today, for the first time in my life, I submitted a story to a journal outside ISU. I think it came out well. I received very generous feedback from my friends, and I’m so lucky to have friends from around the world who bring wonderfully different ideas and perspectives to my stories. I can’t even begin to thank you enough… Gloria, Michelle, Jeanette, Nancy, Molly, Krista, Tess, Sally… thank you from the very depth of my heart. Tomorrow, if all goes well, I will begin another story. I might submit what I wrote today to other journals that accept multiple submissions, too. How exciting! J

I took the Blue line to Milner and worked on my story before submitting it to the journal. I had coffee at the Bone Center, and enjoyed being by myself. There was a lot of planning going on in my head today. This week is fairly relaxed, and I want to get as much as possible done. Tomorrow I will go to the YMCA and get my swimming membership for the semester. I’m excited to see Sandy who works at the front desk. She’s such a sweet lady, and once asked me if she could get me something from the vending machine! I guess I am spoilt! Oh, that reminds me! I should get HER something tomorrow as I got paid today! Blessed are the pure of heart. I really believe that. That was, in fact, the message at church yesterday: The Beatitudes! Jan and I decided to call these “Tudes”!!

The weather was not the greatest today, but there will always be such days. Tonight, I will get some reading done and meditate for fifteen minutes. I already spent fifteen minutes on the cycling machine. I will have some green tea with honey and lemon after I finish this blog. I didn’t have a lot of balance today, but it was a great day. It’s a blessing to see smiling people… people who encourage, motivate, add joy, and hope. I’m blessed to run into such people at every corner; they made this day a joy. Tonight after I meditate, drink green tea, read, and figure out what journals I want to send my stories to, I will take a hot shower and try to let go of anything negative in me. I will let go of my fears, worries, and anxiety. This is a good place to be. I think I’m doing really well with my New Year resolutions, too. I drink green tea, I write, I exercise, I’m kinder to the world, and I’m almost beginning to like myself! J

Ah, my wonderful friends, would you do me a favor? If you read this, can you say something positive and beautiful in response? (not about me, but about the world, or your day… there’s enough sadness and tragedy around, but I think we need to see and hear the good, too) May you be blessed as I am in knowing you…