Hail Mary!

Ugh it was a terribly slow day, and I didn’t even go to church! I was in a bit of a “giver-upper” kinda mood. Ummm I so hate when that happens, BUT as I type I’m pretty content with life. The best remedy for these bad days is to be among people who smile. People who care. People who are positive. I’m very thankful that my friend, Jessica came to pick me up and take me to the Coffeehouse. Bless her heart! It was a wonderfully productive time, and I got to see many friendly faces. I was so thrilled to see Angela and Julie there.

I read a lot and developed a sense of peace. I realize that I have to accept what life has dealt me. Molly was so right. It’s not easy by any means, but I still have some choices available. I can decide whether to eat or famish (I can see Jan, nodding! ;)) I can decide whether to wear jeans or shorts. I can decide whether to talk or hold my peace. I can decide whether to smile or frown. So in essence, I can still choose quite a bit, really. I should NOT complain. I will not. I won’t. I won’t. That’s not me. Someone told me once that I look hideous when I complain, and I believe that. I want to be beautiful, so I will smile. I will even sing your name (AMYYYYYYYYYYYY ;)).

Tomorrow, I intend to get a LOT done. Of course, I know I always have lofty dreams and expectations, but, maybe this is doable. I’m definitely going to try. At the Coffeeehouse I drank three cups of coffee, so I’m a little hyper right now. It’s a lot better than the crestfallen mood I was in earlier. In fact, I can type much faster as well when I’m hyper, and thoughts come like a rollercoaster! I know I will be up for a while, so maybe I can get some writing done, too.

Oh, life life life. These ups and downs are so unpredictable, but I know for sure that coffee and friends are a very good combination. Oh, and when we were at the Coffeehouse there was a raucous sound that resembled a crazy man trying to play drums or something. It lasted only a few minutes: it was HAIL coming down at a horrid pace! When we came out to leave, we saw pellets of hail! So very exciting, as I had never experienced hail before. I dread to imagine the sensation had I been outside!!!! J

I’m glad the day ended fairly well. I’m thankful for the good people in my life. I love the Beatitudes (TUDES as Jan and I call them). Blessed indeed are the pure of heart! J Going gone “goed”!!

Fresh snow of a pure pure white

As unrealistic as it sounds, I still make “to do” lists that remind me I have a lot to do. And miles to go before I sleep. And miles… My neighbors are very quiet now. I hope it’s not a momentary change in the vitriolic exchanges I hear every night. Maybe they realized that others need to live a little, too. Yes, I can still live a little. Ah, that reminds me of a song that I love: “You gotta laugh a little, cry a little, let your poor heart break a little. That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.”

I still don’t quite understand why so many people think I’m brave. Well, I guess I still do what I can. I’m just clinging to a rotting excuse for a body, though. But one fine day, I will be as new as fresh snow. When I came out of my apartment, I smiled to myself, rejuvenated by pure white snow. Snow makes it hard for me to navigate, but a light snowfall lifts up my spirits and reminds me that someone up there is in control. It’s comforting. It’s liberating. Yeah, I still believe.

So I came to the library and worked almost four hours without a break on my online class. I posted all my students’ midterm grades, and I will email them individually to remind them that an online class is easy to fail. Alas! I hope no one fails.

I had a “mixed berry coffee cake” and some coffee to recover from bad papers. Well, most of them were good, though. I absolutely love the individual conferences I have with my online students at the end of the semester. It’s very hectic for me to talk so much, but meeting my students for the first time is still a wonderful experience. Most of them have delightful personalities. Alas, some of them make me re-think about the grades I have given them. Bad bad bad. I’m so easily persuaded. As long as they learn… as long as they learn…

I don’t feel too bad today. When I was walking over to Einstein Brothers to get coffee, I had an epiphany: my world is growing ever so smaller in so many ways. I’m terribly near-sighted. Until you are within reach, I don’t even know who you are. I also realized that my circle of friends (I do believe I have a large one) is dwindling. Maybe it’s not a bad thing, though. Can I be burning bridges by not being the first person to initiate contact? Maybe those bridges never really existed…  that’s my epiphany, the realization.

I still have a lot to do. When I go home today, I will work on some of them. I have tomorrow, too. But then, tomorrow is not a reality. It’s only a possibility, and I have absolutely no complaints about that J

Vegetables, I’m on my way…

It was one of those days, I guess, but it’s here to stay. I’m swiftly becoming a vegetable. For the first time since I was diagnosed with MS almost ten years ago, I felt sorry for myself. I’m really plummeting fast. I still believe in the most asinine way possible, that I can still be ok, but I realized what an unrealistic sentiment that is. Today was bad. I cannot even figure out whether it’s because I was struggling physically or whether it’s because I’m overcome with depression. Maybe a combination of both. Yeah, I struggled to keep myself erect. I struggled to speak. I struggled to eat. I have no idea why I’m still here.

I feel I’m so out of it. I still want to write. I still want to be famous. I never wanted to be rich (I still don’t), thank God. But good heavens, I feel that everything is coming to a pathetic end. I have so little to offer. I can barely manage a conversation. Maybe all this will change tomorrow. Maybe I will wake up a new man tomorrow. Maybe someone will find a miraculous cure. Yeah, I guess I’m a dreamer.

Here in my lonely studio, I listen to music. I lay myself down, and I never want to get up. Getting up means opening a can of worms, worms of existence. I don’t know how I did this for ten years. Ten years is more than enough, I think. Woe is me. I never imagined saying that, but it’s the truth.

I decided to submit to journals. To counter what’s happening to me, I’m trying so hard to focus on other things. I invent dreams. They keep me going, even when they are unrealistic and far-fetched. I don’t bake now. I rarely cook. I’m scared of falling with batter and all. MS makes me appreciate little things in life, though. In fact, only little things. Small victories as Molly said once.

This is so unbecoming of me. I’m really not a negative person at all. I try to see the bright side, but right now, there isn’t such a side. So my dear friends, pray for me. Pray that I will never get tired of fighting. Pray that I will never lose faith. I’m an open book… I will tell you all. When I’m alone in my apartment, sometimes I just cry… crying is cleansing. I have little to be ashamed of, so yes, I’m crying right now. When I’m done, I might feel a little better. Maybe. It’s a big if like everything else in my life L

Be still, my soul...

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m simply typing this as I don’t seem to be able to do much else. I was commenting on a colleague’s paper but realized that I could hardly form letters, the pen refusing to move at my feeble hand’s command. It took me light years to form a question mark. So yes, the disease is taking a toll on me. I keep telling myself that I won’t give in. I won’t. I won’t. Sometimes though, it feels like this battle is not worth all this effort. Effort to eat. Effort to wobble. Effort to fall asleep. Effort to stand. Effort to water the lilies every ten minutes or so. Effort to cough. Effort to get through the day.

Last night, for the first time in my life, I began to think about my future. If I indeed manage to finish this Ph.D., what can I do afterwards? Can I even get a job? Good heavens, it’s only now all this occurred to me. When mobility, speech, and whatever else is challenged, what can I do for a job? This is a daunting reality. Alas! Where was I all this time? Yes, I guess I was living in a safe bubble. But if I do want to make something out of my life, I should act on it.

I just don’t even know where to begin. I feel like everything is coming to a screeching halt before me. I will finish this somehow, this PhD. Then what can I do? Can I be an editor or something? A boring librarian? Ughhh... I want to keep going, but I have to have a plan. Alas alas. I’m so dramatic, but this time I really AM paranoid. OK OK I’m trying to calm down a little. So let me list what I’m worried about:

I have to finish my classes this semester. This should be alright, I think. I will battle on. Besides, I like all the classes I’m taking this semester. Online teaching is ok, too.

 I need to do an internship. I have no idea about this.

Then I need to apply for jobs, I suppose. I can barely talk, sometimes, so teaching would be out of the question. Maybe one fine day, when I’m a celebrity!! Ha!! Yeah, right! What in the world can I do? Editor? Work for a magazine, journal? I’m so lost.

The Dissertation should be manageable. I have an amazing committee, but would I be able to meet expectations? I don’t know, I don’t, I don’t.

Comps??? Where do I start???

I’m oblivious. Professional development? IRB Ughh… what what what!

I was in the emergency room twice already. When all my tests were negative, I had to conclude the severe panic attack-like symptoms were caused by ms. I’m not in a good place, right now. This is paranoia.  I feel beyond resurrection, but I don’t want to give up. Not yet… not yet… How can I be? I just want to be. Deep breathe, deep breathe.

Be still, my soul. L